This is not a nice person. You must defend yourself.
Screenshot by ZDNet
You know why you bought an Amazon Ring or a Google Nest video doorbell, don’t you?
It’s because everyone on the street has them, and you’ll be darned if you’re going to be left behind in the surveillance game.
Yes, you might be helping the police along the way, but you’ll also be able to see who comes to your door from miles away. And haven’t we always wanted to do that?
But there’s a certain dishonest niceness in the way that Amazon and Google peddle these devices. It’s all about giving you the additional veneer of safety — and Big Tech the additional hope that it can track you just that little bit more.
I was uplifted to thoughts of taking a smiling selfie, therefore, when I saw how a smaller video doorbell rival was approaching its marketing.
Wyze, a company created by former Amazon employees, believes it’s “the most customer-centric smart home technology.” It insists it’s offering “access to high-quality products at great prices.”
And it would like you to buy its video doorbell not because of price, but because of something far more emotional. In Wyze’s own words, emerging from a new ad: “The world is full of little turds like this one.”
The tiny poop-person is, indeed, someone who thinks it’s funny — or, perhaps, deeply meaningful — to leave some of his personal waste product on the pristine American doorsteps of his neighbors.
But the tiny poop-person isn’t the only awful human being in the world. And, given that he’s only around ten years old, you might argue there’s still hope for him.
Less so for the package delivery man who kicks your package to your porch from his van.
And what happens if you try to rectify these difficult situations yourself? Well, the tiny poop-person has tiny, poopy little friends who will chase you and throw raw eggs at you. (I wonder if they had them delivered by Amazon.)
Oh, there are supposedly some other benefits to getting a
Wyze Video Doorbell Pro
. The joy of the chime being included, for example. The delight of six months battery life, too.
But America is currently a country of permanent conflict. Our neighbors are no longer our friends. Our service people have no interest in making us happy. Even little children are programmed to cause us strife at any given moment.
Do you want a burning bag of excrement on your doorstep? No, of course you don’t.
We therefore, have to stand our ground and defend our personal peace with every piece of technology we can.
“Wyze Video Doorbell Pro, For Everything Out There,” says the ad.
What the company really means is: “Buy One Of Our Video Doorbells Because Other People Are Truly Awful And Disgusting.”
A far more honest strategy, that.
